Letter to my brother 6/24/12

Dear Israel,
Yesterday I had a dream I wish wasn’t a dream.,,,

Everyday I think about you and I get this achy feeling inside that hurts so bad.
I can’t eat like I used to, I can’t sleep like I used to, I can’t love like I used to and I can’t breathe like I used to.

Ive always felt as though you were not only my only brother or my friend but I felt as though you were my son. I raised you.
Is this how it feels like to lose a child?
Broken, helpless, hopeless?
I HATE this feeling. I just MISS you so much! I wish this reality was a dream, a very bad dream.

Yesterday I had a dream about you..,

I was trying to find you. I found your number but I couldn’t read it because it was blurry.
In my dream you were on Oahu, living with a friend you hadn’t seen in a long time. Your phone wasn’t working, but in my mind I pay for your phone bill, so it must be working! Please just let me talk to you! I’m worried about you, I miss you! As I turned the corner I realized I was standing in our old living room. I was standing in the living room of our family home. Mom and dad were there, sort of frozen in place relaxing on the floor. Normal, but in a freeze frame. The front door opens. It’s you. You’re wearing your rosary like in the picture, it’s now hanging on your wall. I look at you and you are thin and sad but smiling. I hug you and you hug me, like we hugged 3 days before that day happened. I cry uncontrollably, you say “Bern” With sadness in your voice. I say “I miss you” with so much pain, you say, “I know” with so much pain. I say I love you and I miss you over and over again. Until I wake up to find myself crying uncontrollably and then realize that you are GONE, you are DEAD and I’m never gonna see you AGAIN! I can’t stop crying!
Why did this happen? How could you have been so FULL and then god made you so EMPTY?
I can’t stop thinking of that day you left us. You didn’t want to die!
I asked you, “are you ready to leave us?” you shook your head and you said “no”
I wasn’t gonna give up on you! I wasn’t ready to say my goodbyes or I love yous or say Israel it’s okay! I didn’t want you think think I was giving up on you!
You fought so hard through the pain! You didn’t want to give up. You kept trying to shake the Feeling of Death OFF! It’s not your fault Israel. It’s not your fault! You tried to live. You tried hard.

Now I just go into your room and sit in there and think about you. I can’t help it but sometimes I talk to you as if you are still here. In my mind of course.
I’m having a real hard time letting you go. Cancer really sucks! I wanna blame everyone that has tried to help you like the doctors and that pastor who prayed for the cancer to cancel out and that it will be a sign that god exists. I listened to that pastor pray for you from your Christian church. Doesn’t that mean that god doesn’t exist? You believed in him so much! You believed that he was gonna let you live and enjoy your life with your daughter. We had faith.
She’s getting so big Israel. I wish you could see her stand and she’s starting to take steps now.
I just miss you. This feeling is not good. Not good at all. I feel week and depressed but I know I have to be strong for your daughter. I have to be strong for everyone like I always do. I hate it so much. I hate how I didn’t want you to know I was scared for you and that I was sad every day seeing you in pain and watching you change. I just wanted to make your life easier. I always wanted to make your life easier even before you were sick. You were so stubborn though. Now I wish you would’ve just came and lived with me but if you did, maybe you wouldn’t have made your music. It wasn’t until you were diagnosed that you made that decision. I’m so proud of you Israel that you created something that could out last us all, your music lives on.
I get upset sometimes thinking about your so called friends who
never helped you, without expecting something in return. That, you knew. You always told me everything because you wanted advice even if you knew you wouldn’t take it. You thought you had to do what you had to do. You always felt like you were in-debt to these “friends” but what real friends makes you feel in-debt to them? It makes me really upset that a friend of yours said that to me that, “if this was about money, he would be in-debt to me for a very long time.” Obviously it is about money and not about love or friend ship. It’s about business to you and what you can make from someone else. Not a nice thing to say it to, someone who just lost her only brother.
It’s not fair that this is the story of your life Israel, but like you said “karma is on”, so these friends you talk about and the friends you talk about in “no more promises” I believe, will feel the karma. All I’m gonna say is, I’m sorry for not protecting you from it.

No matter what happened in your life you always smiled or showed strong emotion and power. You were always a strong presence in the room. You were such a deep and emotional person. You were also a brat. Haha! Just kidding. But what do you expect being the only boy? I wanted to spoil you and give you everything.

I wanna blame everyone for everything bad that ever happen to you. I blame myself too. I’m grateful for your friends who helped you when you needed help and didn’t want anything in return. They are just kind and pure.

We have family problems, yes, everyone does. The important thing is we always stuck together, even if we are far from each other. we never felt in debt to each other. We all love each other because we are family. That’s what families do. We love, care and protect each other and grow together.

I miss you Israel. I’m really happy I
Decided to write this letter to you. I’m gonna try and write you everyday from now on to tell you about your baby and how she is doing and also reflect on the past because the past is where you are at. Forever young brother. Rest in peace and lots of love.

Your big sister forever,

Me and my brother:

Check out this video on YouTube:


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